parag’s posterous

 A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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SEINFELD may well be called the greatest sitcom ever made and 9 glorious seasons is testimony to that greatness. Here are a few quotes and lines that have become part of popular culture and maybe even daily lingo for some ardent fans. These are taken from what i have seen so far and i'm sure there are more:

• "She had man hands"
• "Spare a square?"
• "If it was socially acceptable, I would drape myself in velvet."
• "sponge-worthy"
• "This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel."
• "Poppie's a little sloppy."
• "Mulva?"
• "Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!"
• "Jerry it's not a lie if you believe it."
• "Do you really want to have fun or are you saying you want to have fun?"
• "Well, they gave me gonorrhea"
• "The card says moops"
• " it was a rub not a pick!"
• "I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi. No. He's just neat."
• "You're a shmoopy."
• " I've yadda yadda'd sex"
• "I would never name my child Soda"
• "If you're a spirit, & you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, & find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?"
• Jerry: "I'm a man who respects a good coma."
• George Costanza: "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"
• "You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect."
• "Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, & then maybe you can get it for free"
• "They're real. And they're spectacular."
• "Moles -- Freckle's ugly cousin."
• "Snapple? No thanks, too fruity."
• She eats her peas, one at a time
• "your's is a sweet tooth! You may stray but you will always return to your Dark Master."
• "It's not you, it's me."

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Nicely done!

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From this blog i came across a few instances of ridiculously long sentences. Heres an excerpt:

While reading up on banking today, I had the misfortune of encountering the longest sentence ever:

  By authority, the only duties in connection with the operation of a current bank account that a customer owed to his bank, in the absence of express agreement, were a duty to exercise due care in drawing cheques so as not to facilitate fraud or forgery, and a duty to notify the bank immediately of any unauthorised cheques of which he became aware; that no wider duty, requiring a customer to take reasonable precautions in the management of his business to prevent forged cheques being presented to the bank for payment, or to take such steps as a reasonable customer would to check the periodic bank statements in order to be able to notify the bank of any items which were not, or might not have been, authorised, could be implied into banking contracts as a necessary incident of the relationship of banker and customer, and that, therefore, the banks were not relieved by any breach of duty by the company from having to bear the loss occasioned by the forged cheques.

Wanting some more laughs of the kind, i went to this site and checked out some more hilarious (although confusing) examples:

• "Indeed dialectical critical realism may be seen under the aspect of Foucauldian strategic reversal--of the unholy trinity of Parmenidean/Platonic/Aristotelean provenance; of the Cartesian-Lockean-Humean-Kantian paradigm, of foundationalisms (in practice, fideistic foundationalisms) and irrationalisms (in practice, capricious exercises of the will-to-power or some other ideologically and/or psycho-somatically buried source) new and old alike; of the primordial failing of western philosophy, ontological monovalence, and its close ally, the epistemic fallacy with its ontic dual; of the analytic problematic laid down by Plato, which Hegel served only to replicate in his actualist monovalent analytic reinstatement in transfigurative reconciling dialectical connection, while in his hubristic claims for absolute idealism he inaugurated the Comtean, Kierkegaardian and Nietzschean eclipses of reason, replicating the fundaments of positivism through its transmutation route to the superidealism of a Baudrillard."

• "With the last gasp of Romanticism, the quelling of its florid uprising against the vapid formalism of one strain of the Enlightenment, the dimming of its yearning for the imagined grandeur of the archaic, and the dashing of its too sanguine hopes for a revitalized, fulfilled humanity, the horror of its more lasting, more Gothic legacy has settled in, distributed and diffused enough, to be sure, that lugubriousness is recognizable only as languor, or as a certain sardonic laconicism disguising itself in a new sanctification of the destructive instincts, a new genius for displacing cultural reifications in the interminable shell game of the analysis of the human psyche, where nothing remains sacred."

• "Previous exercises in influence study depended upon a topographical model of reallocatable poetic images, distributed more or less equally within 'canonical' poems, each part of which expressively totalized the entelechy of the entire tradition. But Bloom now understood this cognitive map of interchangeable organic wholes to be criticism's repression of poetry's will to overcome time's anteriority."

• "Punctuated by what became ubiquitous sound bites-Tonya dashing after the tow truck, Nancy sailing the ice with one leg reaching for heaven-this melodrama parsed the transgressive hybridity of un-narrativized representative bodies back into recognizable heterovisual codes."

*sigh* now i can wipe the tears off my eyes...

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CONFUCIUS SAY:

• he who laugh last… all alone
• Man who sneeze without tissues take matters in own hands
• Man who sit on hot stove will rise again
  
• Man who cut self while shaving, lose face
• Man with hand in pocket feel foolish. Man with hole in pocket feel nuts
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
• Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner
• Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
• Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t
• He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose
• Man trapped in brothel get jerked around
• Man who drops watch in toilet has crappy time
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there
• A constipated man does not give a crap
• never handle nut with greasy hand
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
• Girl laid in tomb soon become mummy
• Man who run in front of car get tired
• Man who get kicked in testicles, left holding 'bag'
• Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self
  

• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
• Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover
• When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
• There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris
• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes
   

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"Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" was a writing contest sponsored by the Washington Post, as part of its "Style Invitational". The entries were meant to be outrageous and to make you groan. The original list began circulating on the Net a year or two ago and, like so many humor lists, was added to along the way
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

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This is me getting ready to rock this blog with pre'posterous' posts. So watch this space.

For now, watch me play my fender while i am high and crunked

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